2005-07-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

Bored and depressed, I stayed home last night and ended up watching “The Day After Tomorrow.” I couldn’t help but think, “Damn, that seems nice.” Sitting in a gorgeous library by the fireplace with the girl you like with no worries about going to work in the morning or paying rent seems pretty damn perfect to me. A huge movie-like disaster didn’t seem all that bad. Sure, people will die, but if the movies have taught me anything, its that:

Assholes die. Hot girls live.

And think about what it does for a society as a whole?

Overpopulation: Solved.

A chance to overhaul the government: You got it.

And finally, nothing brings a community together like a disaster. Rich, poor, black, white, it doesn’t matter. As long as you can hack zombies with a machete, you’ll be a superstar in my book.

In fact, a giant movie disaster seems like a really great thing.

Now lets make this clear. I am not talking about some localized disaster. No “Titanic,” “Abyss,” or “The Perfect Storm.” That won’t cut it. You’ll still have bills to pay when you get home and you know that whatever girl you save will totally just dump your ass for the next guy who prevents a plane from crashing. We need HUGE disasters. The kind where whole cities get destroyed. The kind where nothing will ever be the same again. The kind where my parents will no longer give me shit for being a failure.

So then what kind of disaster would I really like? Turning to the only source I have for giant disasters, I took a look at the various genres of movie disasters.

ALIEN ATTACK [War of the Worlds, Independence Day, Mars Attacks]:
Pros:
1. Aliens, despite their advanced technology, can always be destroyed with one simple plan. Be it fooling them with one of their own ships, or blasting an old record out of the back of your pick up.
2. Alien ships just look cool, and afterwards, we’d totally steal their technology and all get our own personal starfighters. That would rock.

Cons:
1. You never know when they’ll come back. An alien invasion isn’t likely to be a one time affair. You’ll be scared of aliens forever. ET will surely be ruined for you.
2. Scientology, as the only religion to take into account aliens, would soon replace all others. Tom Cruise would become President.

MOTHER NATURE [Deep Impact, Volcano, The Day After Tomorrow]:
Pros:
1. Finally those skills you learned in the Scouts will actually help you get laid.
2. If it’s a warm disaster, like a volcano eruption, skimpy outfits. If it’s a cold disaster, snuggle time. Either way, if your number one priority is the ladies, this is the way to go.
Cons:
1. Its always the liberal cities like LA or New York that get hit the worst., four more years of Republican rule, at least.
2. You don’t get to shoot anything.

THOSE KIND OF DISASTERS WHERE NO ONE KNOWS BUT YOU [The Last Starfighter, Cloak & Dagger, 12 Monkeys]
Pros:
1. That one girl who actually does believe you, will totally bone you.
2. No bullshit public pandemonium means no traffic jams.

Cons:
1. You’ll probably end up in a mental hospital.
2. No one believing you means no book deal.

VIRUSES [Outbreak, 28 Days Later]:
Pros:
1. Being quarantined means a lot of alone time to get to know your lady-friend.
2. Tons of people die, but little is physically destroyed. If you live, jobs and cheap houses will be easy to come by.
Cons:
1. Even if you do get that alone time with the lady, its like, “is she infected?” Its like if 90% of everyone had AIDS. You’d totally stop having sex.
2. Did you read number one? NO MORE SEX. Do you need another?

ROBOTS [Terminator, The Matrix]:
Pros:
1. Robots are always controlled by a central computer. Destroy that and you’re golden.
2. When you fight robots, you always get cool vehicles and guns. Nothing gets aggression out like blasting a rocket and some evil machine, and you don’t even get the guilt of killing anything. Robots aren’t alive.
Cons:
1. You’ll have to give up your dream of having robots do all your housework in the future. Stupid ungrateful robots. We made you.
2. If the robots are from the future, you know that whatever you do, it will be pretty futile. Stupid ungrateful future. We made you too.

ZOMBIES [Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead]:
Pros:
1. You get to attack your asshole neighbor with a machete, guilt free.
2. Even if the zombies do get you, you don’t die, you just become undead and join their team. Its like a double elimination tournament. Two chances to win.
Cons:
1. You’ll undoubtedly end up having to behead a friend. Always a downer.
2. Killing zombies is really really messy. The cleanup afterwards is going be a bitch, and everything is going to smell like rotting zombies for at least a couple weeks.

So in the end, it seems to me Natural Disaster is the way to go. Sure, having no one to blame kinda sucks. We all want that scapegoat we can make pay for all the tragedy, but really, it’s a good thing. No retaliatory wars or shit like that. We’d probably start paying more attention to pollution and other things that can make nature go apeshit, and as for all those stresses of everyday life? Forget them all. No more job, no more bills, nothin’ to do but sit back and start repopulating the earth. Doggystyle.

The Fall Guy